I am Back... I Hope...

Well, a few intense months have passed. And I think I may now be able to get into some kind of routine that means I can post here more often.

We moved house... with a four month old baby, that felt like quite a feat, and I am in awe of the friends who have not just moved house, but moved countries with small babies... I have done both kinds of moves many times... and the moving countries type... much harder!! Anyway, moving day was amazing. About 15 friends showed up around 8.30am, and by 10.30am we were all unloaded at the new house! Even more incredible though were the friends who stuck around until later that afternoon and unpacked for us. That was definitely the part I was not looking forward to doing once everyone had scarpered, so it was amazing to go to bed that night with most of our worldly goods in their new places.

Kazuo seemed to thrive on the move. He quickly settled into napping in his crib in his new room, something he was not doing in the old apartment. And although he seems to have stopped sleeping for 8 hours at a stretch, and is waking for an extra feed at 1/2am again, this seems partly due to his new ultra-wriggliness, and partly due to teething and having a bit of a growth/development spurt, so I assume this too will pass. He has recently also become really easy to settle... and so we are hoping that it will not be long before he is self-calming and getting himself off to sleep.

For now, the big deal has been that Dada can suddenly get him to sleep now too... for a couple of months there it was all Mama Mama Mama... and Mama's hands/arms were really feeling the pain. The Wash U Back Pain Study people have been taking good care of me... but I never anticipated that motherhood would be all about the chronic pain. Ugh!

However, motherhood has also been quite a joy as well... having time just to enjoy the wee things our little pop is learning to do each day has been a real pleasure. I am so grateful for the slow pace of our new life. And not having to choose whether to go back to work or not (since my short-lived work permit has now expired) seems like such a luxury and yet at the same time like I have been given permission just to be Kazuo's Mama.

So Kaz has been sitting up since he turned four months, and seems fascinated enough by our eating to make the big transition to solid food next week when he hits the five month mark. Suddenly the developmental milestones are racking up quickly, though I am trying to resist the urge to will him onto more precocious development as I am sure that the days will fly by anyway.

It is summer in the Lou... and seems somehow less unbearable than last year, but maybe that is the absence of pregnancy hormones and morning sickness. I am on a mission to seek out suitable sunshade for our little guy so that we can spend more time by the local pool, though I am not really bikini-ready... but my excuse is the back pain slowing down my workout plan... and it can wait. The summer won't though, so I am looking about for discrete ways to hide the post-partum plumpness.

We are enjoying BBQ weather... and I have discovered the ease of grilling up some amazing Morningstar delights, though when I get some more time (sooooon I hope) I am planning some more home-style taste-sensations, there is nothing like a good lentil burger or aubergine steak to make it feel like summer.

So... have made it through another sunny STL day... and loving not working right now!

Where have the days gone? Our little guy has been with us for nearly 8 weeks now and it all seems to have passed in a blur. I look around me and see jobs piling up and wonder when I will ever have the energy or the time to get on with doing things that before were a matter of course. It is the same for all new mothers I am sure, but when it happens to you, it seems much more intense than you imagined. I am feeling a new sense of shame daily for the ways in which I may not have been too sensitive to the new mothers I was friends with or lived with/near in the past...

So we start each day in a bit of a daze, but needing to get fed, showered and ready for Dada to leave the house for work. Then it is a cycle of crying, wriggling, squirming, puking, pooping, sleeping, eating... and occaisionally wriggling on one's tummy, or listening to stories or songs. If we are lucky (and I am making a real effort to make sure we are...) we leave the house for a few hours on some kind of outing... to the shops or for a walk in the neighbourhood.

On the weekend, after a massive spring clean, I spent an hour at the laundromat with our duvets while the little man and Dada went for a walk to the university. I realise that was the longest time we have been apart since he was born. Weird! So the next day, after much haggling, I left the house again for an hour or so to go get frozen yoghurt with a friend... and we survived both separations! It helps that Dada has been hands on from the start and really loves spending time with the wee squirmer. So now I just have to be a little more chilled out about getting time to myself.

This is work for me now... and a labour of love. It is not a coincidence that they call the birth process labour. And even if not all of us go through active labour to bring our wee people into the world, the work of nurturing and sustaining them stills falls rather heavily on our shoulders - by accident or design. In my case, due to various rather disappointing circumstances at the time, I am rather more free than I had originally expected to be to leave our little guy in the care of others. But since my husband is the principle immigrant upon whose status our work permits depend, we do not have the luxury to reexamine the caregiving for now. And we do not see any benefit in leaving him with others so I can return to paid work just yet. So I am 'choosing' this work for now.

It is isolating being so new in a place that we do not know any other women in the same position. I would love the company some days of people in similar circumstances. No-one prepares you for the isolation and frustration of being at home daily, with the same mundane activities to perform in the company of someone who does not talk to you, but expresses their intense neediness in often ear-splitting cries... all of which are apprently calibrated finely to communicate the exact nature of the need... sadly these cries are virtually indecipherable to the untrained (adult) ear!! So most of the day is spent trying to intuit the needs... until one magical day when you realise you have become the expert at this little fellow, and by a process of elimination can usually figure out what he is trying to say after all!

This is the point at which one also realises that one has become that dreaded thing... the woman who talks of nothing other than her baby as that is all she does all day! So I am going in purusit of things to distract me... though at present, finding time for anything other than the work of motherhood still seems elusive... but I guess I shall then just have to stop talking!!

He Made It!

One week on and I can report that our new wee man is doing well. He made his entrance last Friday and has been making himself at home since.

Since his arrival, it seemed that nothing about me was working anymore... though now I can see that things are starting to heal, and I am getting the hang of sleep deprivation and the sacrifices necessary to ensure he is adequately nourished. But it looks like hard work ahead!

However, nothing - as they say - prepares you for how much your emotions soar at the sight of your own offspring. So any effort - even the most desparate and supreme effort - on his behalf just seems instinctive and unselfishly necessary. I am starting to sound rather martyrish... ugh!

One person who has been working in this period has been our new president - I say 'our' in sort of proprietary sense, even though I am still an alien... because I feel like Obama is such a man for the people that it doesn't seem like I am disconnected from the massive political impact his courageous leadership can make in our whole world. Also, our wee man is now a US citizen, so no matter where in the world we go next, there will be a family tie to this land.

We managed to bring our little lad home just in time to hear the inaugural speech on Tuesday. It was such a moving and happy day in so many ways. And so great to be home.

So we are excited and impressed by the decisive new initiatives to already come from the White House. Particularly the plan to close Guantanamo and the CIA ghost prisons and to put an end to govt sanctioned torture such as waterboarding. Such shame attached to the brutal practises in these places. I do hope that they manage to address the impact of other such US-run prisions abroad, like in Afghanistan and Iraq. We are really looking forward to see what other important decisions will come from the work of this promising new administration.

Not sure if I will be working on this blog too often in the coming days... am still not working in the employable sense, but sense that a lot of work on good family life is ahead. Work worth doing!

The Waiting is almost Over

So change is afoot. The main thing I have been doing while not working, is working on getting ready for the emergence of our new family member. I have created toys, sewed and knitted clothing and covered/sewed new bedding for the crib. I have also covered many cushions and items of cheap furniture that we have added to our now cosy apartment. It all looks homely and I guess the nesting instinct was finally satisfied by the time I went to hospital last week to see if the upside-down baby would turn over, or make an appearance. It did neither.

So here we are, on the brink of actual delivery day, tomorrow. Tonight we are going out in artic conditions (more fool us!) for a final fling with all the lovely friends we have made since arriving in this new place. It will be great to celebrate with them once more... and to farewell our spontaneous socialising with one big gathering.

Not working has meant I have been able to devote much more of my slowly ebbing energy to building friendships and enjoying as much as we can of the many and varied social activities that are available in St Louis. I have been grateful for that interlude. Now I expect that to change over the next few months... and I am used to changes in pace, I spent seven years living like someone on an oil rig, only getting out in the world properly once a week and not really getting time to do actively social things more than once a month. So I anticipate that I will just find some inner resource to adjust to this change as well.

But the questions that last year's time out of employment raised for me will still remain, even in the presence of someone who I am sure will be diverting. So I am sure that I will find ways to continue to muse. One big issue is how our society values the input of homemakers... In principle I have always thought that it is imperative to find ways to place strategic economic value on this critical role - and as this becomes more my 'lot', I am wondering just what I will do about this issue.

Well, for now, the efforts I have made to prepare for the baby, both in practical terms (as above) and in physical terms (as in incubating the critter as best as I know how) will all come together tomorrow... and soon we will know who they are!

Bird Day

So, it is OK not to be working on a weekend. And with a firm date (Jan 16) now for the arrival of our new family member, we decided to make the most of this weekend and do things we might not get to do for some weeks. And one of those things was to seek out some Bald Eagles.

As foreigners, we were keen to catch a glimpse of the once-endangered and noble national bird. As occasional birdwatchers, we were hoping for a chance to see these creatures in their natural habitat. It was heartening to discover that they are flourishing at this time of year not far from where we live. They migrate south down the Mississippi fly-corridor to mate and breed in the spring and right now they can be found fishing and roosting just across the river from us.

So we set off at the crack of dawn (or so it felt) and drove to a Lock and Dam system on the Mississippi where the birds were clearly fishing amongst the gulls where the churning lock was stirring up the fish. It was impressive to watch them soaring above the trees, and through my tiny binoculars, I did manage to see one bird dive down and pick up a fish. But we didn't really get any clear or up-close views of the birds. One happy surprise for me was a flock of pelicans that flew over us a few times at the locks - I had never seen one live, and so to see a couple of dozen flying low above was a real treat.

We made a little trek a few miles further north to a ferry crossing. By this time in the morning, most of the eagles had done their foraging for the day, and had returned to the trees to roost. En route I spied an enormous nest on the roadside, and two of the grand birds roosting nearby. When we arrived at the ferry crossing, there were another couple of eagles sitting high in the trees. They were so close and so calm, it was a real reward for an early morning start. I loved how alert and regal they looked and I am so glad that conservation efforts have made it possible for them to make such an amazing comeback.

When we lived in the UK, we were lucky enough to live in a beautiful park where the birdlife was fantastically varied. We set up a bird feeder outside the house and were visited daily by an increasing number of small-medium sized birds, including nuthatches, tits of all kinds (I think they are referred to as chickadees here) and even some very entertaining greater spotted woodpeckers. Currently we are living in a very urban setting in a University owned apartment. But I got a bird feeder for Christmas, and today we managed to rig it up outside our sunroom - so now I am hoping that some of the friendly little neighbourhood birds will come and get some sustenance outside our place soon. Something else to focus on when I am not working...

Finally Settling on Some Kind of Resolutions...

Ok, so having mused over the mild achievements of 2008... I think I am ready to consider the year ahead... I am not keen on over-stating these goals... it usually results in failed resolutions... I am more inclined to express general intentions. So, that said, this year I hope to:

1. Learn some parenting skills... I think this will happen by default, but I do want to do my best by this new person. It will probably be a bit muddle-through though, I just hope that we can come to some good consensus on the important things.

2. Keep politically engaged and active as much as possible... try and make a difference... look out for oppotunities to use my time well to do this, and not just talk about it.

3. Eat well - be creative in the kitchen, keep the diet healthy and aim for good nutrition for all three of us.

4. Exercise daily - even for just 20 - 30mins (and lose that extra baby weight by the summer).

5. Maintain a conservative and responsible approach to finances. Save!!

6. Learn at least one new skill/craft and apply it practically.

7. Come up with some creative and rewarding ideas for working from home. Try them out! [And maybe formulate some kind of forward thinking about change of career prospects for the near future.]

8. Communicate more regularly, efficiently and effectively with friends and family - esp those abroad.

9. Cultivate a sense of wonder... I think a baby will help with this a lot!

10. Read more... and widely... and intelligently. Use the library. Keep up to date with Google Reader.

11. Find practical ways to give time and energy to others less fortunate than myself - be involved in my local community and in the global community.

12. Keep a calm head, don't allow pressure to build up, communicate clearly and be kind to those around me.

Into the New Year

Well, I am hoping to make this year one of purposeful productivity, even if it is beginning in a sort of sluggish manner. Of course there is no real accounting for the impact of another person who needs all my attention on this goal... but I think it is time to consider just what I want from the year ahead.

I am one for resolutions... and so I have been searching in vain for my list from last year. Maybe it is a good idea, as one blogger I saw today has done, to make a list of what I have managed to achieve, or become grateful for over the past year, as that may just clarify where to go next...

1. Extracted myself from an overly-life-consuming job.
2. Moved to another new country and pretty much made ourselves at home... a slightly more complicated process than moving the UK in 2001, but done in quite a precipitous manner, so all-in-all, fairly successful.
3. Managed to keep to a budget much more successfully than ever before, owing to the necessity of not having an income, so having to be very careful.
4. Kitted out a new apartment and then latterly, a baby-friendly environment on very reduced finances, with the help of Craigslist and the wonders of thrift stores.
5. Revived my creative impulses by re-teaching myself to knit, and sewing as much as I could to make a cosy home and some lovely treats for the impending baby.
6. Kept in touch (albeit sporadically) with friends and family in the four corners of the world - would like to do a better job of that in future though.
7. Returned to my activist roots and got more politically active than I had been for years with Amnesty International and the Voter Protection Coalition.
8. Kept up regular exercise for as long as was practical with the increasing demands of pregnancy... remained healthy-ish throughout.
9. Made an effort... and have been very gratefully rewarded... to make some friends in my new home. Loving the joys of meeting new people.
10. Got a little more creative in the kitchen... the benefits of having days free to dream up new ways to cook potatoes!
11. Saw a lot of new music... and even a little dance and theatre, though do feel the lack of that part of my life, London and Yorkshire were amazing for the theatre, I was so spoiled.
12. Became a less-uptight person generally, that I think was good for married life, hoping that is not just a result of pregnancy hormones, but rather a new emotional maturity! (Or perhaps a result of not working... hmmmm...)
13. Engaged in more charity and voluntary activities than I had time to do in the UK - hope this can continue, though working unpaid work around an infant is going to be a challenge.
14. Figured out how to drive on the other side of the road - thought this might be beyond my geriatric brain, but it feels like I have been doing it all my life.
15. Made more use of digital technology - though not sure if that has been an entirely productive part of my life!

So... a few things to muse upon as I consider just where to now for 2009. I always think it is exciting to have the untapped possibility of a whole year ahead... there will be challenges and hurdles, but on the whole, I am looking forward to mapping out what I might like to do with more Not Working time...